So first off, I’m 16+5 and I never did one of those regular up date-y things. I started to, and then I bored myself, so I quit. Suffice it to say that that’s how far along I am, I want to eat everything and nothing all at the same time, I have symptoms, and in a shocking turn of events, I actually felt the baby move. Turns out, as I learned today when my doctor did an ultrasound for funsies because I was her last patient of the day, that my placenta moved itself to a posterior position which meant that these weird sensations I was/have been feeling for less than a week now low on my belly- right about where the uterus is hanging out right now- were/are indeed baby movements like I initially thought. That was exciting news for me. Here is my 16 week picture. I swear I look pretty much exactly like I did at 20 weeks with E.
So anyway. Things are just moving along. I don’t spend nearly as much time dwelling on being pregnant this time around, mostly because I spend my time chasing a one year old around and also because this pregnancy is so close in proximity to my last one that I still remember most of the things from the first time and I’m not really wondering about a whole lot of things.
Speaking of that one year old, I swear she gets funnier every day. And she does things that just absolutely melt my heart. Like when out of nowhere she just comes up to me while I’m laying on the floor watching her play and wraps her little arms around my neck and gives me a hug. I swear my heart explodes every time. Not just because of the hug, but because she’s CHOOSING to hug me. I’m not forcing it on her. She, on her own volition, felt the need to come and hug me. That right there. That makes every bit of the frustrating times worth it.
Anyway. I digress. So when I was pregnant with E, I always felt a bit weird on the inside because I never felt super ooey gooey lovey about the baby growing in my belly. I mean, I knew I loved the baby. I knew I cared for it and wanted to do everything possible to keep it safe and secure and healthy. I knew that I would love her when she was born. But I was never all like, “Ohhh, we are so in love with you already, etc. etc. etc.” And when I saw people who were like that, I felt badly because man… I must be kind of defective here. But then E came and after holding and staring at her tiny little body and face and getting to really see her, I was suddenly be floored with the emotionality of it. I ALWAYS loved her, but I didn’t know or understand how or how much I loved her until she was in my arms.
I wasn’t sure how it would be this time around. Part of me thought that maybe I’d feel the ooey gooey lovey stuff since I had already done this once before and know those feelings well at this point. But you see, I kind of don’t. Again, I know I love this child. I care for it and will do everything in my power to keep this child safe and secure and healthy. I love this child and want this child and am beyond happy- happy is too trite a word to describe it really- to be carrying this child. But I don’t feel all the overwhelming lovey stuff yet. Since I remember this feeling well from my pregnancy with E, I know that it will come very soon after delivery. But in the meantime, it feels interesting and weird and odd to feel this way. Part of me is like… how can I ever love anyone as much as I love C and E? I mean really. I adore E. How can I love another child as much as I love her?
People tell me that you just do. It just happens. I believe them.
Another random thought about this pregnancy? This will be my last ever pregnancy (unless, you know, surprise! one day, but dear Lord, please no. We will do everything in our power to prevent that. Neither of us have ever wanted more than 2 children and I don’t see us changing our minds about that). So… this is my last time for everything. Last time having a baby belly (I LOVE baby belly!), last time feeling baby moving inside my body, last time for all the annoying stuff too- acne, the nausea, etc. But still. Last. Never again after this baby is born will I carry another life. That’s kind of a big thought in my head. I’m not really sad about it. I mean, like I said, I really, REALLY only want 2 children. But it also makes me feel kind of nostalgic for this pregnancy- like I should be cherishing every second of it more than I am. But see, it’s hard to cherish every second when really I have to be caring for the one child I have outside of my body who is very time and energy consuming. So then I’m like, shoot… this time is flying by and I’ll never get to do this again, so I should really pay attention more. Then I stop thinking about it because E is climbing on top of things and pulling down things and I have to pay better attention so she doesn’t actually do something too dangerous.
Anyway. Here we are. Just hanging out. Second trimester is the best, y’all. I don’t think I appreciated it nearly enough the first time around, but I definitely do now.