I have two entire posts in draft form that I’ve written about where we currently stand with all of E’s weight stuff. Stuff about feeding solids (we’re at finger foods because it’s the only way she’ll eat these days). Stuff about breastfeeding (because my supply TANKED after this past month of constant illness on my part)(and how I’m trying to get it back). Stuff about sleep (because E regressed to waking every two hours to nurse… which admittedly was my fault. I was suddenly all: MY SUPPLY! IT’S DROPPED! SHE NEEDS TO EAT ALL THE TIME! So I just started feeding her every single time she woke up, and now we’ve spiraled to this point). Regardless, both posts were getting so long winded and weighty that I just quit them all together and here I am writing this one.
I’m in bad place lately. I can’t get E’s issues off my mind. I can’t relax. I want to break down into tears every time someone mentions E’s size to me (which is often). I feel like I’m not producing any milk (though logically I know I am because I feel letdown and hear her gulping). I feel like the milk I do produce just isn’t enough for what E needs. I feel like a failure, and I’m tired, because I’m waking up all night feeding E. It’s a vicious cycle.
I cry a lot.
I know my supply can bounce back. I’m doing what I can. Pumping, nursing often, taking Fenugreek. I know there’s a million other things: teas, cookies, etc. But I’m going to tell you scientific fact (lactation consultant approved): You make milk by moving milk. So I’m not going to drink something I hate, or eat something that I find gross, when I know more than anything I need to keep on moving that milk out of my body as much as possible. I’m not saying those other things don’t help, I’m just saying I hate them, and I can work on my supply without them. C keeps reminding me that these things take time. I need them to not take time. I need things to happen rightthisminute.
I think about this constantly. I am constantly planning. Constantly plotting. Constantly reasoning. What else can I do? What else can I do? What else can I do? I know my doctor told me not to stress too much, but I just can’t not stress. Sometimes I give myself a break. I can relax every now and then, but mostly I fret. This is my child. I want nothing but the best for her and I want her to be as healthy as possible.
Today we went to her little gym class. There are several 7 month old babies there. She is the smallest. Normally no one mentions it, but today there was a whole five minute group conversation about it. I pretty much wanted to die. And all the crawling that happens there, while sweet baby E sits there and eats her hands. It’s not that I want her to crawl because I need her to achieve all the things zomg my child has to be awesome at everything! It’s because I know that her length, her head circumference, and the fact that she has hit every single important developmental milestone are the factors that reassure my doctor (and yes, C keeps reminding me that crawling is NOT considered a developmental milestone to doctors. But still. It feels like one to me). With her weight lagging I’m suddenly paranoid about anything else that might lag behind.
Basically I’m a crazy person. Part of me can’t wait to go back to see the doctor so I can sit and cry to her about all this and how hard I’m trying. Have I mentioned that I really like E’s doctor?
Anyway. So that’s where we are at these days. I’m hoping this rough patch passes soon, because it’s killing me.
A friend of mine posted the following this morning as her status. It was exactly what I needed at that moment, and I keep reminding myself of it every hour on the hour:
“MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR YOU. THIS GRACE is enough to get you through your toughest times. Do you believe this? It’s one thing to believe it when circumstances are going your way. It’s another thing altogether when you’re struggling just to take the next step. Yet this is when My grace is the most precious and glorious— when you know you cannot go another step without it. Then it becomes the shining focus of your life.
I invite you to drink deeply from the exceeding riches of My grace—My favor, mercy, and lovingkindness. It is a free gift that opens the way for you into eternity. It also provides what you need to live now, in this fractured world. So come freely into My Presence and pour out your heart to Me. I do not always say yes to your petitions, but I do give you what you need. And I always give you Myself—My compassionate understanding, My unfailing Love.
Do not be ashamed of your weaknesses; boast about them! Through them you are learning to depend more on Me, so that My Power may dwell in you.”
Excerpt From: Young, Sarah. “Jesus Today.”