I have two entire posts in draft form that I’ve written about where we currently stand with all of E’s weight stuff. Stuff about feeding solids (we’re at finger foods because it’s the only way she’ll eat these days). Stuff about breastfeeding (because my supply TANKED after this past month of constant illness on my part)(and how I’m trying to get it back). Stuff about sleep (because E regressed to waking every two hours to nurse… which admittedly was my fault. I was suddenly all: MY SUPPLY! IT’S DROPPED! SHE NEEDS TO EAT ALL THE TIME! So I just started feeding her every single time she woke up, and now we’ve spiraled to this point). Regardless, both posts were getting so long winded and weighty that I just quit them all together and here I am writing this one.
I’m in bad place lately. I can’t get E’s issues off my mind. I can’t relax. I want to break down into tears every time someone mentions E’s size to me (which is often). I feel like I’m not producing any milk (though logically I know I am because I feel letdown and hear her gulping). I feel like the milk I do produce just isn’t enough for what E needs. I feel like a failure, and I’m tired, because I’m waking up all night feeding E. It’s a vicious cycle.
I cry a lot.
I know my supply can bounce back. I’m doing what I can. Pumping, nursing often, taking Fenugreek. I know there’s a million other things: teas, cookies, etc. But I’m going to tell you scientific fact (lactation consultant approved): You make milk by moving milk. So I’m not going to drink something I hate, or eat something that I find gross, when I know more than anything I need to keep on moving that milk out of my body as much as possible. I’m not saying those other things don’t help, I’m just saying I hate them, and I can work on my supply without them. C keeps reminding me that these things take time. I need them to not take time. I need things to happen rightthisminute.
I think about this constantly. I am constantly planning. Constantly plotting. Constantly reasoning. What else can I do? What else can I do? What else can I do? I know my doctor told me not to stress too much, but I just can’t not stress. Sometimes I give myself a break. I can relax every now and then, but mostly I fret. This is my child. I want nothing but the best for her and I want her to be as healthy as possible.
Today we went to her little gym class. There are several 7 month old babies there. She is the smallest. Normally no one mentions it, but today there was a whole five minute group conversation about it. I pretty much wanted to die. And all the crawling that happens there, while sweet baby E sits there and eats her hands. It’s not that I want her to crawl because I need her to achieve all the things zomg my child has to be awesome at everything! It’s because I know that her length, her head circumference, and the fact that she has hit every single important developmental milestone are the factors that reassure my doctor (and yes, C keeps reminding me that crawling is NOT considered a developmental milestone to doctors. But still. It feels like one to me). With her weight lagging I’m suddenly paranoid about anything else that might lag behind.
Basically I’m a crazy person. Part of me can’t wait to go back to see the doctor so I can sit and cry to her about all this and how hard I’m trying. Have I mentioned that I really like E’s doctor?
Anyway. So that’s where we are at these days. I’m hoping this rough patch passes soon, because it’s killing me.
A friend of mine posted the following this morning as her status. It was exactly what I needed at that moment, and I keep reminding myself of it every hour on the hour:
“MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR YOU. THIS GRACE is enough to get you through your toughest times. Do you believe this? It’s one thing to believe it when circumstances are going your way. It’s another thing altogether when you’re struggling just to take the next step. Yet this is when My grace is the most precious and glorious— when you know you cannot go another step without it. Then it becomes the shining focus of your life.
I invite you to drink deeply from the exceeding riches of My grace—My favor, mercy, and lovingkindness. It is a free gift that opens the way for you into eternity. It also provides what you need to live now, in this fractured world. So come freely into My Presence and pour out your heart to Me. I do not always say yes to your petitions, but I do give you what you need. And I always give you Myself—My compassionate understanding, My unfailing Love.
Do not be ashamed of your weaknesses; boast about them! Through them you are learning to depend more on Me, so that My Power may dwell in you.”
Excerpt From: Young, Sarah. “Jesus Today.”
February 14, 2013 at 4:54 pm
This was a great post and if you don’t, you should feel better for writing it. E is beautiful (I only kinda stalk her sweet pictures) and if she’s healthy and happy there isn’t much you can do. I know you’ve heard all that before and it’s hard to take it in and use it. I’ll be praying for you and E’s weight.
February 14, 2013 at 5:32 pm
((hugs)). I’m not sure how to say this, because I remember how much I hated hearing these words, but have you considered formula? I know you mentioned she won’t take a bottle- but I know even at this age they will take a bottle if they have to. Or maybe a sippy or straw cup? We had luck with straw cups at this age. Then you could at least supplement.
I’ve been in this place of despair- I wanted to breast feed for at least 6 months, but my supply started faltering around month 3. My daughter was hardly gaining any weight (she was in the 5th percentile, and hardly gained anything in her 3rd month). I kept trying everything, I tried fenugreek, tons of water, I was pumping 6 times a day in addition to nursing to try to up my supply and meet her demands- and I was really miserable and stressed. I started supplementing and eventually switched fully to formula. I didn’t want to be a formula mom, but I was happier as a formula mom. And my daughter was too. The first two months on formula she gained 4 lbs. These days she’s in the 75th percentile for weight. And yes, it sucked to not be able to breastfeed as long as I wanted. But once the hormones associated with breastfeeding were gone, once I saw how much bond I could still have with my daughter without nursing, I could clearly see that this was better for both of us.
This was my situation and it may not be yours. You could switch to formula and your daughter could still be naturally smaller. Can you go to a lactation consultant and have them measure how much you producing to be sure your supply is okay? I know when you’re breastfeeding you hate the “just switch to formula” advice. But sometimes it can also be a comfort to hear that it will be okay. You can still be a good mom without breastfeeding. I think your happiness and stress should be part of the decision too.
February 15, 2013 at 4:39 am
I completely agree with Amy’s advice. All this stressing and worrying is not good for it. I can tell from my experience thta the second i switched to formula we were both happier and she was on the right track!
February 15, 2013 at 3:30 pm
Hey Amy- Thank you so much for sharing your experience, and honestly I don’t hate hearing those words. I dread them, but I definitely don’t hate them. You are so kind for telling me about what happened with y’all and that it will be okay even if we have to switch to formula. I contacted a lactation consultant and am meeting with her next week to hopefully figure everything out.
Honestly, I really can’t thank you enough for how kind and thoughtful this comment was. There are a lot of ways to suggest switching/supplementing with formula, and you have done it in such a completely thoughtful manner. Thank you for that.
February 14, 2013 at 7:47 pm
Aw, I am so sorry you are so stressed
I can tell you – that three kids later, and if it wasn’t one thing it was another.
My first STILL has huge health issues that constantly cause stress.
I know it is easier said than done – but she is going to be okay, and you are going to be okay.
She is otherwise healthy – and so she’s small – that might just be how she is.
Marcus was the TINIEST kindergartener this year… out of girls and boys. And I am talking WAY small. Eliana – I can’t for the life of me get her to gain weight. Never have. Fighting her to eat was something we did EVERY SINGLE DAY until she was about 6. We were constantly told she needed to gain more, eat more blah blah blah. She is fine now.
The bottom line is – she is going to be okay.
Just try to breathe – and when it is time to worry – the doctors WILL tell you it’s time to worry. *Hugs* I know how hard it can be – especially with your first. Hang in there!!
February 15, 2013 at 2:29 am
Hugs, hugs and more hugs. I don’t know what to say. Just hang in there.
February 15, 2013 at 9:54 pm
hey there. just saw this. Alli just hit the 9mos mark, is *maybe* 16lbs (was 15lbs 6oz the last time we were at the doc a month ago for RSV) has rolled over a couple of times and isn’t crawling, or even almost crawling. she’s wearing 6-9mos clothes. she’s tiny, but healthy. breastfeeding is a rollercoaster ride. my supply has highs & lows. a good IBCLC can be helpful, as can a good La Leche League – one of our local LLL’s has an AMAZING group of gals, and we’re on fb even.the support of that group has helped support so many mommas, and helped extend breastfeeding relationships when they may have otherwise ended early due to other factors. we have a few non-local members, friends of members who don’t have the support we are accustomed to… just a thought if you need some support/encouragement from other moms who have been there, and can help you deal with the emotions of the issues you’re facing. whether you continue nursing or not, a happy momma makes a happy baby. stress isn’t good for you, your baby, or your supply. *hugs* hit me up if you need me, or are I interested in checking out our fb group. xo